It’s strange that I spend so much time trying to kinda pull myself out of a hole. Time passes very quickly for me. It seems like just yesterday it was 2008 but here it is 2015 and I am still in the same place. I see friends have changed and they have accomplished things like they graduated from college got married or have a kid and bought a home get new jobs take trips around the world. They look different too you can tell they learn from their experiences and they change and grow. They look good though. They look like they are living.

It’s a neat thing to see but I do wonder if I will ever experience a fraction of what a lot of them do. I’m still dealing with the same stuff only kinda more difficult now. My friends still invite me to things like weddings and baby showers Halloween partys etc. I don’t go because I don’t really connect with them any more. I don’t have anything to say when people ask “What do you do?” “Where did you go to school” “Are you married?” “Do you have kids?”. It’s all just really weird. I still appreciate them thinking of me though. It makes me think that before I turned into a full time spaz maybe I wasn’t such a bad person to be around.

When I get real bummed about where I am at I try to be thankful for what I have and some of the things I have achieved. Like yes I did fail the 9th grade 3 times but I did pass the general education diploma test first try. That was like 17 years ago but at the time it was a big thing for me. I also flew in a plane once from Louisiana to Ohio. I was mortified and convinced I was going to die in a plane crash but it didn’t happen. The take off and landing were horrible but when the plane was above the clouds I was in complete awe. I imagined that’s what religious people envision heaven to be like. A blanket of clouds below a blue sky and a warm sun just lighting everything up. It was very peaceful and comforting.

In middle school I remember being terrified of reading a book report in front of my english class but I did get through it and read the whole thing. I hated it but I didn’t pass out like I thought I was going to. I remember the teacher saying I did an okay job. I didn’t believe her at all and the look on her face was more of a “Thanks for not fainting while giving your book report” look instead of a “Wow, this is a bright kid that’s going places” look. But hey, at least I did it. I can’t remember what book it was for or what grade I got. Oh well.

I remember traveling to a musical competition with a saxophone quartet. I played tenor sax. I can’t remember the song but  I remember one of the judges feeling bad about calling me a boy then realizing I was a girl, haha. We did good though. I vaguely remember we got the most stars we could get and  we were all pretty stoked. Our band instructor was pretty proud. One of the few times I didn’t screw up. It was great.

Yeah, I’ll never be a doctor or a lawyer or a college grad or a mom or pretty or wealthy or anything that society tells us we should strive to achieve in life but I have done some things I was proud of and that is going to have to be good enough.

I won’t be remembered after I die. Just like my parents and grandparents aren’t remembered. I’m just invisible so I might as well ignore what society wants and try to find some things that bring me peace and make me happy while I’m here cause nothing else really matters.


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